Thought for the day!

Some people are like slinkies - Not really good for anything, but they bring a smile to your face when you push them down the stairs!

Quick!! Quick!!!

The sun is out!! So everyone outside and make the most of it because I am sure this is the only time we will see the sun this year, so summer is here even if it is only for one day and yes I do know that technically it is still spring.

In other news, are you all sitting down? For our second holiday of the year we are NOT and I repeat NOT going to Lanzarote. Now that you have all picked yourselves up off the floor from the shock I can tell you that we are going to Puerto Vallarta in Mexico, I went there in 1995 and I have been wanting to go back ever since. It actually works out cheaper than 2 weeks in Lanzarote. So I am quite excited about this holiday, it is not until October but I know the time will soon fly by.

A genuine complaint

Supposedly a true email, if not it still made me laugh.

MRS Campbell
West Cromwell St
Lieth, Scotland

Dear Sir/madam/automated telephone answering service, teaboy,

Having spent the past twenty five minutes waiting for someone at Leith police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead. Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in Leith by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or ouji board.

As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you would call them youths) in West Cromwell Street which is just off Commercial Street in Leith. Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire building. This game is now in it's third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon this year.

The remaining five walking abortions, are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie trash bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on speed. I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the bottle of calor gas that is lying on it's side between the two bins. If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches.

Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I've just finished decorating my kitchen at considerable expense.



What I suggest is this. after replying to this e-mail with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when these mutants are not around, then drive up the street in a police car before doing a three point turn and then disappearing again. This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.

I trust that when I take a clawhammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest me.

I remain sir, your obedient servant

?????????



Reply from Leith Constabulary



Dear Madam,

I have read your e-mail and understand you frustration at the problems caused by youth playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police.

As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you.

Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.

Regards

PC ??? Your Community Beat Officer










Dear PC ??? & Community Beat Officer

First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original e-mail. I made it 16 hours and 38 minutes, must be a personal record for Leith Police station and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next book of Guinness world records.

Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has it's own community beat officer. May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills.

In

the five or so years I have lived in West Cromwell Street, I have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin? It's surely only a matter of time before you are headhunted by MI5.

Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in Leith such as smoking in a public place or being Muslim without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these twats that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere. The pitch behind the Citadel or the one at DKs are both within spitting distance as is the bottom of the Albert Dock.

Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to contact me on ??? ????. If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Compass Bar.

Regards

???????

P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you don't work for the cleansing department.

Ok ok.....

Where have the last two weeks gone? I can honestly say it only seems like a couple of days ago that I last posted to my blog. I can't even blame work because even though it has been fairly busy it is not it's usual chaotic madness. So what has been keeping me away you ask? My answer is quite simple really, I have been having a complete blast playing Viking: Battle of Asgard on my XBox 360, though I have now come to a difficult stage in the 2nd phase of the game and I have tried for a couple of days to get through it but at the moment it seems impossible, but my mission this weekend is to get through it before I go to work on Monday morning.